From the desk of Alice - Day 402

My Dearest friends,

It is time for another correspondence with the latest developments. Lately when The Giants make me state my name as part of the daily interrogation, I no longer stare at them with sullen eyes. I state my full name. For some reason The Giants hear is as "sah sah", but it is clearly "Alice". This amuses them, which does bring a bit of joy to me as well. I think that I'm suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

As the year draws to a close, The Giants have insisted on bundling me up and taking me around the neighbourhood to see the lights on the houses. I do enjoy this, but my favourite thing is riding around on the Fuzzy Giant's shoulders and drumming on his head. When I grow bored with that, I ride around with The Food Giant. I delight in this because of the fur lined hood she has. It feels tickly on my face.

All of this decoration in the Giant Realm is in preparation for a holiday that The Giants refer to as "Christmas". Apparently I have seen this holiday before but I can't seem to recall it. The Giants have some sort of large conifer which they have enveloped in lights and trinkets.  The sparkling shrub is certainly a wonder to behold, but alas, it is behind bars and out of my reach.

The Christmas celebration was quite enjoyable. There were games of peek-a-boo with Opa, tasty treats and lots of time to play with the pseudo-giants, my "cousins". I also received many gifts. The other giants were far too generous.

Me and the pseudo-giants

Playing peek-a-boo with Opa. FYI: I won.

I am enjoying myself. However, I still plan my escape and test the surroundings constantly. I think that I am quite close at devising the initiation sequence of the "door knob" to open doors. I'm particularly interested in this because behind one of the doors, The Giants have a key component for my weather machine, known as a "door-stop". It's really surprising that they can use advanced technology and not even recognize it.

Another part of my training regime is to disassemble block towers into their base components. I'd enlighten you on the utility of this, but I fear that the information would fall into the wrong hands if our correspondence were to be intercepted. In addition to those tasks, I've been trying to stockpile provisions. I started by hiding foodstuffs in my cheeks, but The Giants soon became wise to that. I then started to hide the food in my hand, lap, nooks of my tray, and even under my pants. Unfortunately, my sleight of hand was noticed by The Fuzzy Giant, and he relieved me of my hard gotten supplies.

My task of becoming fluent in Giantese continues to progress. I may not know the meaning of all words right away, but I start by parroting the sound. After I do learn the meaning, I can command The Giants to my will. Sometimes they do not understand what I've said, so I repeat the word slightly louder and slower in hopes that they will catch on. Alas, it is not always so. 

It pleases the Fuzzy Giant when I call him "Da-da", and the Food Giant seems to appreciate "Ma-ma". I am also learning to say the names of other familiar giants, like Grandpa (Pa-pa) and Opa. I have more work to do on "Grandma" and "Oma", but I do recognize these giants, and look to them when their names are mentioned. Generally these are fruitful efforts, as I seem to receive additional attention and transportation around the home as a result.

The Giants have been taking me out in the "snow". It is quite cool, but I have been enjoying it, if only to learn that it will make a poor choice for a building material for any land vehicle. Just today The Giants placed me in a red and yellow capsule and pulled me through the snow. I'm not sure how long this continued, because I fell asleep almost immediately, and I was not wakened until my removal from the capsule by the giants.

The Food Giant pulling me through "Mer Bleue"

I must sign off now as block towers are not going to disassemble themselves.

Until next time,
Alice

From the Hand of Alice herself

c v fgfv

From the desk of Alice - Day 367

My Dearest Friends,

It has now been over a year since I entered this strange land. Much has happened in that time. Many kilometers have been crossed. Much has been pooped upon.

Taking care of two Giants full time is rewarding, yet exhausting. I was able to enroll The Fuzzy Giant in full time care 5 days a week starting in August and it has been going well. I thought that I'd be okay with The Food Giant the rest of the time, but alas it's been a bit much. I've recently placed her in part time care in order to allow myself some "me time". I'll still be caring for her 2 days a week plus weekends and evenings for both of them. I believe that they are both in good hands - at centers where they have plenty of other giants to play with.

I believe that the world is ending. It's getting so cold that chunks of the sky are flaking off and floating down and collecting on the ground. I think that The Giants were informed of this because now I have an orange space suit that I believe is designed to protect me from the bitter cold. I'm still waiting for my helmet so that I'll be able to venture out into a vacuum. Honestly The Giants can be so disorganized sometimes.

The Giants seem to be far too slow to be able to understand normal language. It's quite disappointing, but I've been forced to learn Giantese. It's a simple language, but I've been able to communicate words like "book", "milk", "duckie", "cheese", "pumpkin", "daddy", "mango", "dirty", "uh-oh", "sock". I especially like saying "boom", and watching The Giants' faces while I drop something on the ground. It's best to say the word ahead of time so they can understand what's going to happen. It makes me laugh so much sometimes I pee my pants.

I've been able to cover quite a bit of ground crawling, but I've decided that I need to working other muscles as part of my daily exercise regime. I regularly stand or do squats in order to build muscle tone in my legs. I feel that this will allow me to move quickly over uneven ground in order to gain some distance from The Giants when we are outside. Then, and only then, will I truly be free.

I was forced to participate in a pagan holiday where The Giants dressed me up as an orange vegetable. I don't know what a "jack oh lantern" is, and I'm not sure that I want to. I'm not exactly sure what the point of the holiday is, but from what I understand the normal sized people are forced to go around collecting edible things from neighbouring giants and bring them home for the own giants to consume.

This past weekend The Giants invited over many other giants that I'm familiar with. They played with me and brought me many gifts. I confess that this was unexpected and I was quite flattered. It was nice seeing all these different giants in one place. I have to admit that after all this time they have become dear to me. At one point they even sang a ritual giant song and sacrificed a cupcake to me in my feeding throne. Apparently they do this every time the planet orbits the local star. I have informed The Giants that next year they need to sacrifice a whole cake to honour me. It's the only sensible thing to do.

The "one" and only,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - Day 324

My Dearest Friends,

The weather grows cold since our last correspondence. The trees have transformed their leaves into bright colours and put them at a more reasonable level for me to play with them. Often the Food Giant takes me outside and "blows bubbles" to amuse herself. I must admit that the bubbles amuse me with their colours and lead me to wonder if I could use it as part of my weather control machine. More on that later.

The Giants continue to thwart my efforts at escape. They have added a Debabyized Zone (DBZ) around the fireplace. The Fuzzy Giant refers to it as the Go-Go Cage. I am not amused. I was hoping to use the chimney as a route of escape since I learned of a fat man that regularly uses it as a means of accessing residences.

The training of The Giants continues to progress. I have taught them rudimentary hand signs for "finished", "milk" and "for the love of diapers give me more meat". Unfortunately simple signs like "obtain 100 m of copper wire for my weather control machine" continue to not be understood. In order to fabricate the parts I need I was forced to take apart my crib's mobile during one of my "naportunities", as The Giants refer to it. Lamentably they discovered my modifications to the mobile and confiscated it before I was able to complete my work.

I have been trying to recruit allies and grow support for my plans. My two trusted lieutenants are Mr. Duckie and Bashful Beige Bunny, or "B Cubed" as he's known on the street. They are quite loyal, but I fear that they have beans for brains. I'll have to keep my master plan to myself in order to guarantee success.

I've gained some tiny ivory knives, or "teeth" as The Giants refer to them. Two center bottom and 2 top incisors, although the incisors seem to have come and gone. I was using the bottom ones to mark the passage of time on my crib rail until the giants added a wrapping to the rail.

Another ability I've gained is a power of the Gods! I can control light itself. One of the drawbacks currently is that one of The Giants has has to hold me close to a electromagnetic radiation enabling lever (The Giants prefer to use the obtuse name of "light switch") to operate it.

Alas, I must say adieu. Until next time,
Yours dearly,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - Day 264

My Dearest Friends,

It has been a long time since my last correspondence and many developments have taken place. The Giants continue to attempt to restrict me to given locations, but I've been perfecting my land swimming. The Giants refer to it as "crawling", but I like my term better. I've clocked my maximum ground speed to one Alice per second (A/s). I've also made great progress pulling myself up and "cruising".  However from time to time the flooring suddenly rushes up toward me. Using these new skills I've been attempting to gather the supplies needed for my escape including wires for grappling hooks, and toys that rattle to use as a diversion. My progress has been frustrated by The Giants confiscating what they consider to be contraband, cutting my scouting missions short, erecting a gate into the "kitchen", and sometimes just placing me in a holding pen - aka "The Pack-n-Play".

Not all is gloomy skies though. My oral training of The Giants is making good progress. They understand some simple consonants sounds like "mmmmm" for a request for solid food. I am able to keep them amused using simple mimicry of their sounds, like laughter.

In the last few weeks The Giants have taken me on long vehicle rides both to "the cottage" and to "London". They immobilize me while in the transport so I try to wile the time away by sleeping. On both trips I've been able to play in bathtubs far larger than I have used in the past. The cold one - "the lake", had many fascinating things to watch. The Giants referred to these as "boats" and "jet skis". Both places had mini giants who went to great lengths to amuse me. I tried to communicate with them, but they only seemed fluent in Giantese. In "London", the other giants that I met encouraged to use my feet for non-culinary purposes. Here's some photo evidence:

I am given to understand that a week from now the day time staff will be reduced to one. I know that we all must tighten our diapers in this time of austerity, but I hardly understand why I should be made to suffer.

Times being what they are, I still try to make time for myself. I often like to paint with a home made processed milk based medium using hardwood as my canvas. My exhibitions usually run for a very short time which I feel adds to the impact of the art. Unfortunately no sales yet, but I worry that if I became too successful my art would have less of relevance in our modern world.

Yours dearly,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - Day 209

My Dearest friends,

Please forgive the lull in my letters. The days have been blurring together, but when I look back upon it, I can see that much has happened since the last time we corresponded. At the half year anniversary of my birth The Giants started to serve me "solid" food. It must be severely overcooked because it's more of a puree than anything that I'd normally classify as "food". For the most part it has been pleasant, even though The Giants try to try to feed me like I'm an invalid. I try to explain that I'm more than capable of feeding myself, but they just smile and don't seem to understand. Rather than getting angry, I just look at it as an opportunity to have a full body oatmeal scrub. It's like a day at the spa.

I've also mastered the art of sitting up. Occasionally, the floor conspires against me and comes rushing up, but The Giants have usually placed a pillow where the floor means to strike me. At night The Giants place me in a barred cell. I had just conquered reaching for the top bar and I figured that in a short time I would be able to lower myself to the floor using several receiving blankets tied together. Then a setback: the giants lowered the level of my cell so that the bars reach almost to the heavens and my soother makes for a poor grappling hook.

My continuing efforts to communicate with The Giants have garnered mixed results. They have deduced that when I say "Da da da!" I am generally happy. When I make sounds that start with an N sound, I am generally unhappy and most likely, embarrassingly, soiled myself. They have not yet figured out what the meaning of "ba ba ba!" is yet, much to my disappointment.

Bath time has improved since The Giants have provided me something with which to keep my hands busy. Before, all I could do is stare at the cold, white walls whilst I was unceremoniously scrubbed of all the food  that I had carefully stored behind my ears for later consumption. Now I have a bright plastic cup with a whirligig attached inside of it. I have not inferred the original purpose, but I'm sure that it's a tool related to processing copper ore.

The Giants keep on discussing something called "teething" and that it's happening right now. There is a lot of crying and moodiness in the house right now. So much so that I can hardly compose anything on my music table. They are starting to damage my calm. I try to drown out The Giants' cries by chewing on something. Ideally rubber-based so that the squeaks block them out.

The hour is late so I must say adieu. I miss you all.

Yours dearly,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - Day 152

Hello Friends.

It is day 152 in the Papoose Outside Womb (POW) camp. The giants continue to try to wear me down in order to learn my secrets. Lately they have started to put me into The Chair and we all spend time at The Dinner Table. This is usually where I am forced to watch them eat delicious food. The only distraction that I have is to read a book made out of fabric. I believe that they don't want to provide me a paper book in case I try to create smoke signals to beckon for rescue.

They often permit me exercise time on The Play Mat with other prisoners like the stuffed bunny, the vibrating purple elephant, or the dragon we all refer to as "Walter". Sometimes I think that they try to get me to talk by literally turning up the heat. It won't work though, my will is too strong.

At least daily the giants will show me the other POW baby located at this "house". We are only permitted to see each other through a portal that the giants refer to as a mirror. I have to say that I am quite struck by how gorgeous this other baby is - striking blue eyes, peninsula-like hair line, and more chins than fingers I can fit into my mouth. I often wonder "how did you get here", "what is your name", and "how are you always dressed just like me". I contemplate escape, but it would break my heart to leave the other baby behind.

The giants so far have not discovered my co-conspirators, henceforth known by their code name of The Toes. We often discuss our plans, but only in whispers, and only when they are within close range of my mouth. So far they have not been able to hammer out an escape plan, but I have faith that their efforts will eventually bear fruit, or perhaps jam.

I need to sign off now, the giants are starting to grow suspicious.

Your humble servant,
Alice

From the desk of Alice

My dear friends,

Being back in the Great White North has taken some adjustment but I believe that I've been doing well. The giants have kept me comfortable by the fire and amused by an abundance of toys. However the fuzzy giant has been complaining of a "cold", but I feel that he is just shirking his duties by forcing the other staff to take up his slack. In his next evaluation form I will be quite blunt about my disappointment. Due to this "cold", we've isolated ourselves from visitors which meant that I participated in a video conference call today. I believe that my contributions were well received based on how insightful they were.

This afternoon the giants decided to place me into a "pack and play" containment room. I have not yet figured out what phrase will drop the force fields, but I have tried all the common ones from "bird whistles", "babbling brook", and "wet raspberry". More investigation is needed and I will consult my research giraffe.

On several occasions the giants placed me in a harness where I could dangle and bounce for the staff's amusement. They call it a "Jolly Jumper". I quite enjoy it and I even forget sometimes that the giants are there. At a certain point my training from cirque du soleil takes over and I am a fluid expression of art and the balance of water and light. I then expressed my fluids, which creates an impressive display under the pressure of the harness. On a related note I've contemplated dabbling in dying of textiles.

I must end our correspondence now as I've shuffled onto my research giraffe and I can no longer ignore her squeaks of protest.

Lovingly yours,
Alice

Day 93 post-womb

Hi all.

The giants have driven me to a place called Phillip Island. Apparently
the fuzzy giant is a "natural left side of the road" driver. Last
night they took me to see a bunch of formally dressed birds -
peng-a-wings - come out of he sea to their night time homes. They were
really cute and I enjoyed it a lot.

On the way home, the giants stopped and were excitedly taking pictures
of "kangy-roos". From my car throne I could only see sky and tree
tops, but I am sure the pictures will turn out well.

I am currently relaxing by the sea. The breeze feels quite nice
against my bottom. The giants and I are staying with another giant
called "Miss Ivey" who I am am able to entertain with my smiles. The
giants are easily amused.

It is quite beautiful here, but it apparently the 60th anniversary of
a "super bike race" so things are quite busy.

One thing that I am very happy about is following my favourite band
around. They are playing all the classics like "crashing waves",
"gentle surf" and a new favourite - "waves in a cave: BOOM!"

Today we will try to meet new creatures. I have been practicing some
new sounds quite loudly, so I should be ready to communicate with
them.

Adieu until next time,
Alice

Re: Re: Day 86 post-womb

Dearest Gramps,

Since the last journey in the loud flying tube (which hurt my ears
this time!), the kitchen staff has stopped serving steamed milk.
Things are at a much more comfortable temperature, but the giants
continue to put me in my white capsule and push me over bumpy roads.
They would rattle the teeth out of my head if I had any. The parks are
quite a nice place for a meal and a nap. However the most exotic place
for a meal has been gliding over a rainforest in a gondola.

I hear in the itinerary there is a possibility of another boat ride.
I'll keep a close eye on the fuzzy giant and document any changes in
hue.

Today they took me to a famous market, only to discover that it is
closed today! Such sloppy prep work! Another visit has been
rescheduled for tomorrow. Some times I question my wisdom of signing
their long term employment contracts.

Well, I must sign off now, naps won't nap themselves.

Alice

Re: Day 86 post-womb

Dear Alice,

We all hope the two giants are treating you well.

I hear that if you make a lot of noise, you get a lot more of those yummy milk shakes. If the tall fuzzy giant gets too up tight, just give him a big grin and all will get better.

If the ceiling fan does not amuse the giant, get him to take you on another boat ride. Make sure you get a picture of his green face.

I have to go now, have a good trip.

Gramps

Day 86 post-womb

The pair of giants continue to take me to new places. Mostly they have
pushed me around in my rollable chair with the cover down so I do not
have to look at the unwashed masses. This latest place is warmer and I
have decided to call it Aliceland. It was a 4 hour flight from New
South Aliceton. I hear that there is another place here named after
me, but I won't make it there this trip.

Today was a new adventure where they took me on a boat out to sea. The
fuzzy giant turned a particular shade of green. I tried to cheer him
up with smiles and giggles but he just stared out the window while
alternating shades of green. That left me with only a staff of one to
get things done. Good help is so hard to find.

I hear tomorrow a trip to a mountain top via something called a "gone
da la". It sounds French so I don't care for it. The trip back will be
a more civilized train. Hopefully they will have a car just for me.

I continue to enjoy the entertainment system at my villa. The staff
refer to it as a "ceiling fan", but that does not do it justice in all
the joy it brings. I cannot wait to see what it will do tomorrow.

I now must retire to my green sleeping chamber for my eyes are heavy.

Cordially yours,
Alice