Recovered Giant Artifact #23

Item: ink on paper
Recovery date: 2014-11-02
Analysis:  Appears to be a modification of "A Whole New World" from Aladdin.

"A Whole New Day"

Alice: I can show you the world
Dark, quiet, sleepy
Tell me, daddy, now when did
You last let your alarm decide?

Alice: I can open your eyes

Take you activity by activity
Over, sideways and under
On a magic spaceship ride

Alice: A whole new day
A new fantastic point of view
Just me to tell you no and where to go
Or say it's mornin' time

Daddy: A whole new day
A pre-dawn place I never knew
But when I'm awake here, it's perfectly dark
Now I'm in a whole new day with you

Alice: (Now I'm in a whole new day with you)
Daddy: Unbelievable hour
Indescribable feelings
Shuffling, stumbling, grumbling
Through an endless toy-strewn floor

Daddy: A whole new day
Alice: (Don't you dare close your eyes)
Daddy: A hundred thousand sleeps to do
Alice: (Open your eyes, it gets better)

Daddy: I'm feel like the undead
I want my bed
I want to go back
To where I used to be

Alice: A whole new day
Daddy: Every dawn a surprise

Alice: With new hours to pursue

Daddy: Every moment it gets brighter
Both: I'll chase you anywhere
There's no time to spare
Let me share this whole new day with you

Alice: A whole new day
Daddy: A whole new day
Alice: That's where we'll be
Daddy: I need cof-feee!
Alice: A thrilling place
Daddy: It's dark like space
Both: For you and me

The Chronicle of Isaac - Halfway Around the Sun

Greetings!

It has been many months since I last sent you tidings of my adventures. Fear not for I have been doing well. I have become more and more accustomed to this new environment and am "sitting up". However, sometimes I try to see what is behind me and suddenly find myself lying on the cushion The Giants have placed behind me.

From time to time The Giants take me on a expedition to The Mall to obtain various items and baked goods (The Fuzzy Giant worships at the church of Cinnabon). The first time we passed by a vendor called La Senza I saw a pair of food sources on a poster that were larger than me! I tried to extricate myself from the moving vehicle, but alas the bonds that tied me to the stroller were too strong. I vow that one day I will go back and eat my fill. As Mr. Lion is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.

About a month ago I started to eat what The Giants refer to as "solid food". It seems more like mush to me though. No matter the number of times I've ordered braised giraffe or roasted purple antlered moose I still seem to get something like mashed squash. Alice, The Giants and I sit around the supper table and we all eat together. Occasionally larger groups of Giant brethren attend these meals. Honestly, many times I become bored of my menu and wish to be done before the others. Some of those times I can no longer stay awake and I rest my eyes for but a moment.

Here I am dreaming of gingered ground giraffe served in a gourd

The Giants insist on many outings. Most days we travel to parks both distant and near. I often spend time observing Alice and watching while she trains for I know not what. She seems quite enthusiastic about her exercises with the ladders, slides and swings. From time to time I also partake in a swing or two as well. Other times I sit on a blanket and watch the leaves. It has been quite fortunate that I have kept such close watch on the leaves because of late they have changed colour and fallen off! Alice assures me that they will grow back again once I have experienced one complete orbit around the local star, but that seems such a far time off.

Upper body strength is important.  Here I am completing my 73rd rep of the deltoid strengthening program.

This is part of my competitive free style swing routine.

After being at the park I am often too weary to navigate home.

One person that I deeply care about is Alice. When I need to be comforted with a hug, some poetry or  a ballad, she is there to assist me. When I need someone to hold my hand and help me though an unfamiliar situation, she provides the helping hand. When I need someone to push me from a sitting position to the floor and then roll over me while taking away any toys I was playing with, she is there to help out. No matter what happens, I adore her.

I have found my exit buddy.

I have become advanced with my giant riding. As I progressed with my mount I gave up the dream of a long distance race and settled on trick riding.  I am quite proud of one of the latest tricks that I have mastered. I was able to get my Giant to not only walk along a fallen tree, but to perform a dance at the same time. There are many social benefits to being an accomplished Giant jockey, and I am reaping the rewards. A fringe benefit is that for a well trained Giant, if you fall asleep while riding they are able to find their own way home.

I call this program A Dance of Ten Thousand Leaves

As the weather becomes cooler The Giants have decided to outfit me in a overly large blue suit. Clearly it is so large to accommodate another couple of people inside, one to operate the arms and another to operate the legs. Up to now I have been the only person placed inside. I expect that shortly I will be assigned my teammates.

Large enough for 3.

Occasionally, there is still a pleasantly warm day to enjoy. I prefer to spend these precious few remaining times unwinding in a clever contraption that renders me airborne. I feel positively jolly as I leap over entire Duplo villages in a single bound. Alice seems fascinated by it as well. I am told that her form is not suited to the device because she has grown too large for it. Whenever she sees me in my full flight gear, she is irresistibly drawn to it, and attempts to carry me off. You may have read about this in her correspondence. I am thrilled at any opportunity for closeness, as it allows me to grasp the fascinating gleaming golden strands that sprout from her head. That is usually when I hear her vocalize loudly. I can only assume she is as thrilled as I am. This is footage of me partaking in pendulous patio pumpkin pouncing prior to provisions.  Pumpkin placement? Perfect.

Farewell until our next meeting!
Isaac

From the desk of Alice - The Warmer Months: When Thoughts Turn to Santa

My Dearest friends,
First off, I would like to explain that I like Santa. A lot. For the last 15 months I have been studying all research material that I can obtain. I have been learning songs and practicing saying "ho ho ho". I feel that when the time comes, when I am finally three, I will be ready to meet him again. Last December I met the jolly old elf but I cried when I saw him, in spite of myself. I am embarrassed to admit that I froze up before I was able to execute my plan. I shall not fail next time. I've carefully related to The Giants how next time I will not be shy and I will tell him what I want for Christmas. I lowered my voice into a conspiratory whisper and explained "... and then I will go through his pockets". They laughed. They clearly do not think that I am capable of carrying out my plan. I assure you that I am.

I was dazzled by all the red

I have been keeping well enough of late. I have been taking The Giants and Isaac for regular walks and park visits. They tend to keep up if you turn to them and deadpan "walk with me". Since my last missive I have obtained a three wheeled vehicle that I can power with my mind (and legs). I can get it up to a great speed, but I've been unable to locate the place where the wings should be attached. I was quite annoyed the other day when The Fuzzy Giant was pushing it using the Giant handle whilst lifting the front wheel. I explicitly told him not to do that, but beyond all reason he ignored me. Then the front wheel and steering assembly fell apart. I was quite upset. This is what happens when your Giants have not been properly trained in the art of tricycle assembly.

Out for an evening ride

The training of my assistant Isaac continues, but it has been slower than I expected it to be. He spends most of his time sitting - or lying - around. At this point I don't know who will assemble the device for my ultimate plan. Clearly I cannot enlist The Fuzzy Giant if I want my plan to succeed. I believe that The Giants are also grooming him for a task to be completed in a low gravity environment. They regularly place him in a "jolly jumper" and "float" objects in front of him and encourage him to grab them. I can only assume that this work is to be done on a clandestine space station. One benefit of this low G training is that I can demonstrate a "piggy back" ride to Isaac. I expect him to carry me around this way once he can walk.

We have recently gone on several longer car trips. The latest one was to London. Being an inexperienced traveler, Isaac became distressed at points. While The Giants' story telling and singing abilities are passable, they cannot compete with my aptitude for oration and crooning. It was upon me to calm him down. I must say that I did an admirable job.

Of late I have taken up swimming. Alas, not in time to get the most out of the summer months, but enough that I can wear a flotation ring device and spin or move from one side of a pool to another. I expect that by reading about swimming over the winter months I will be able to swim great lengths and to great depths. The Fuzzy Giant was tutoring me before. Apparently saying "blub blub blub" is of key importance.

One drawback from spending so much time with The Giants is that I find it challenging to expand my vocabulary and phraseology. In order to combat this I have taken to borrowing reading material from the local library. This has been particularly enlightening because I've learned phrases that can be used in everyday conversation like:

• Run for your life!
• A corn on the cob, a very nice lunch.
• You almost got me killed!
• A Gruffalo? What's a Gruffalo?

The Giants do not seem to appreciate how useful these phrases are. They rarely if ever add them into their conversations with family, friends and neighbours. I have been trying to pick up their slack by contributing them myself.

One thing that I have observed with respect to The Giants is how often they pray to the household god of Independent Preschoolers - Sweet Bajeebus. Often when I have to be particularly firm with The Giants, especially the Fuzzy Giant, I hear him mutter a quiet prayer to "Sweet Bajeebus". I surmise that means that I am doing well in my training of them. Some days it becomes bothersome to hear it for the umpteenth time while that vein pulses on his bright red face. Not that I mean to criticize anyone in their religious practices though.

I must draw this letter to a close now as I continue my study of an enlightening manuscript called Tabby McTat by a Julia Donaldson.

Lovingly yours,
Alice

Recovered Giant Artifact #17

Item: ink on paper
Recovery date: 2014-07-29
Analysis:  Appears to be a modification of Great Big Sea's "River Driver"

"The Stroller Rider"

I was just the age of sixteen hours when I first went for a drive,
After six hours hard labor, at home I did arrive.
I snuggled in my mommy's arms, t'was her caused me to stroll,
Now I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll build a lonesome block castle upon some blankets high,
Where she can sit and view me as I go passing by
Where she can sit and view me as I go rolling on,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

When I am tired and grumpy I sometimes start to weep,
Just wrap me up in a blanket and lay me down to sleep
Just get a little mobile to sing for me alone,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

From the desk of Alice - Rituals and Cleansing

My Dearest friends,

I have been working at becoming more able to blend into The Giant's culture. Part of this has been learning specific phrases in Giantese to recite at the appropriate time. Some examples include "Please", "Thank you" - which I often shorten to the less formal "sanks!", and "Daddy, no teasin!". I am lead to believe that these are universal phrases that I will be able to use anywhere Giants roam.

In order to increase my independence from The Giants I have also been practicing proper washroom technique. This includes toilet setup, disrobing, taking care of my business, cleaning myself, robing, and hand washing. The Giants have been greatly relieved when they overcame their poor communication skills and were finally able to convey that order is important for this process. Taking care of business before disrobing is generally frowned upon.

Part of the responsibilities that I've taken on is training Isaac to be the best assistant he can be to me. This includes being able to function under high levels of audio and visual stimulation. To this end, I've been wearing bright colours, moving quickly while making lots of noise. Since this training technique is too complicated to explain to The Giants, I had to chose my own garments.

Never stand still. Never be quiet.

Another difficult thing about training Giants is that you have to ensure that you've exercised them sufficiently. Fortunately the weather has warmed up which has allowed us to spend more time out of doors. After doing quite of a bit of research, I've determined that a mix of: Giants pushing me in a stroller, Giants carrying me, Giants running after me, and the occasional riding of a Giant to be the best mix of exercise for them.

Always insist to ride a Giant beside expansive fields of flowers

After that, I always try to schedule some downtime for The Giants to rest, relax, and prepare my next meal while also cleaning the house. I insist upon the cleanest surface in order to spread out my toys.

Giants need to be shown the types of gardens I expect around my home

Alas friends, I must end my letter here as I feel nature calling. Until the next time we meet,
Yours always,
Alice

The Chronicle of Isaac - In The Beginning

Greetings!

I have made my journey to this land just as the winter was dealing it's last blow before retreating. Many would say that I have brought the sunshine and warmth that will grow their crops and warm their children. They would be correct, for it is I, Isaac. Some are so dazzled by my vibrant presence that they refer to me as "son".

Behold my dazzling presence

After my long journey, I had a great thirst that I've found difficult to satisfy. They have an amazing drink here called "milk". It's by far the breast drink that I have ever tried. In my every waking moment I desire it. I have to admit that I often drink until I've had my fill, and perhaps a bit more. Even to the point of passing out.

I have been fortunate because The Alice has gone before me and made ready for my arrival. The Giants have begun their training and have been working to keep me amused. The Alice has also captured a fluffy lion as a gift to mark our first meeting. I am unsure when I will be able to ride it, but in the meantime I have been seeking a saddle. Trust me on this, you do not want to ride an unsaddled lion.

Remember friends - always saddle your lion

As most of my time before my arrival was spent in a neutral buoyancy environment, I am still getting used to the gravity. To help me acclimatize to this change, The Giants regularly put me into a high G centrifuge. It is referred to as the "pink princess swing". Despite my occasional protests, I grow bored of the motion and am forced to rest my eyes.

I have taken up the sport of Giant riding. It is a difficult skill to master as it requires a bond between the adept rider and a willing and obedient Giant. Like many sports, there is a required dress code. Below you will see a depiction of me in a hat covered with tiny pink and red flowers. "The Flowers" is a local Giant riding club that only permits the bravest and boldest riders to wear their colours.

Giant Riding: the sport of kings

Farewell until our next meeting!
Isaac

From the desk of Alice - New Arrival

My Dearest friends,

It has been a long cold winter since I last wrote. I debated about writing several times, but I feared that the messenger would get caught in a winter storm as they headed through a mountain pass to deliver my musing. I would not want to put someone's life in danger over my inspiring thoughts. (Aside: the Fuzzy Giant assumes that I have no idea how the internet works. But I know. It involves mountain passes.)

The biggest news lately is that my Ultra has arrived - Code Name Isaac. I have to admit, although I was pleased with his gifts of a new backpack, butterfly rubber boots and stickers, I am a little disappointed that he is not yet up to the tasks that I have assigned him. He has been here several days and as yet has not helped me overthrow The Giants in their tyrannical rule. I say, if the people want to eat cake for dinner, let them eat cake!

My new hippo backpack pleases me

There appears to be a lot of interest in the new arrival. I've been trying to inspect him as often as I can in order to determine the point of interest, but alas I cannot. Apparently he is currently in the ESP stage of his life. I will assume that it will take him another week before he will be capable of pushing me on the swing at Grandpa's Park.

A picture of me doing my best to inspect what The Giants find so interesting

In other news, my Giantese continues to develop, both in vocabulary and concepts. In particular, the Fuzzy Giant seemed quite excited the other day when I mentioned that soon it would be warm enough to get out my little red car with the yellow roof and use it on the driveway. I don't understand what the fuss was about, of course I would winterize my vehicle and want to take it out as soon as the weather was amicable. That car is a classic and I've had it most of my life. Very low km.

An older picture of me out with my ride

One of the benefits of the new arrival is that both Giants have taken time from work in order to serve me better during this trying time. This is still not my customary ratio of 2:1, but alas these are difficult times and we all must make sacrifices.

One of my biggest complaints is that I often catch the new guy sleeping at his post. In order to bring this issue up with HR, I've begun to gather evidence in a dossier. Here is a sample image.

Sleeping on the job

And with that thought, I must bid you adieu as the hour is getting late.
Yours always,
Alice