I write to you today with happy news. The Giants inform me that the new recruit will be a different configuration than myself - a boy. Ultra will have something that, when The Giants described it, sounded like an eleventh finger in an odd place.
Black and white outfits are all the rage this season
The good news about this of course is that I will be able to use all the clothes that are too small for me to outfit Dolly and Mr. Bunny.
Of course I was there to observe the movie making and critique the camera operator. They use way too much goo. However, part way through the project I realized that I have previous commitments that needed to be addressed and had to leave. I mean, Cheerios don't eat themselves.
(Note from The Fuzzy Giant: for the video below you'll need flash)
Alas, I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice
The Giants have informed me that we will be joined by a new recruit. I have assigned the code name of "Ultra" for now until our first meeting.
Clearly Ultra's main tasks will be to support me in my daily activities. I have started to come up with a list of responsibilities for Ultra including bringing me toys to play with, finding tasty food to eat and laying out coordinated outfits for me to wear. I do enjoy looking my best for the adoring public.
Modeling my new shirt.
The text from my shirt
The Giants are unable to provide me an exact arrival date of Ultra. They inform me that I should expect an appearance around March 22nd 2014. I trust that this subordinate will be apt at pulling me in a winter sled.
Alas, I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice
Since the last time I wrote there are a few changes in this home I share with The Giants. The one that seems to excite them the most is when I sit upon the toilet. Sometimes I do my business directly into the porcelain receptacle, but other times I just insist that The Giants stay with me and read stories. I do enjoy this particular story about a princess and a frog that involves a net, but I digress. I've heard rumors in daycare that some Giants compensate regular sized people with smarties for each toilet use - up to 2 smarties for a movement. Until my Giants get into line with the current local rates, I think that it would be a disservice to them if I used the toilet without proper compensation.
One hobby that I have taken up is the Art of Tower Building, or ATB for short. It helps me relax and model projects and concepts that I have been working on in my spare time. However, I must say that it is quite difficult to model 4 dimensional spaces with nesting blocks, so it is good that I enjoy the challenge.
As part of my exercise regime, I try to get some swing time every day. Grandpa David has brought over a swing set that used to belong to Aunt Valerie. I affectionately refer to it as "Grandpa Park" and I try to spend some time on it every time The Giants take me outside. It is one of many swings that I have incorporated as part of my workout.
Daily exercise can be exhilarating
Recently The Giants converted my "crib" into a "toddler bed". I am not exactly sure of the process of this conversion, but I do believe that The Fuzzy Giant had to make a blood sacrifice and pledge oaths to a deity. When they showed me, I could not help but laugh manically. The Giants provided me a way to get in and out of my own bed. Any. Time. I. Want. The fools!
Alas, I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice
I continue to test new techniques whilst training The Giants. I've come to the belief that you need to be firm with them and not allow them to test their freedom too much. My latest way to provide them guidance is to answer a firm "No" to any question. This way even if I change my answer to the question ten seconds later, they can only be delighted with my response, never let down. Truth be told, I am often amused by the look of their faces with my lightening quick reply.
The Giants have for some time now been trying to get me to practice using a "swing" at the park. I have not understood the utility of it. The emergency slides make sense, but how can you effectively use a swing to get you out of a risky situation? It just places you right back when you swing back; but I digress. After much coaching from The Giants, I came to the conclusion that it is just a seat. Well, I very much enjoy seats so I allowed myself to swing in it. Much to my surprise, I very much enjoyed it and I encouraged The Giants to also partake in the boisterous oscillation.
In my journeys we often come across other normal sized people. When we do, The Giants strongly encourage me to "share" with them. I'm not quite sure what the purpose is because it seems that I am forever giving up my hard earned discoveries like a plastic bucket or a green toy car. In order to try to appease The Giants I often show the item that is in my possession and when the other normal sized person reaches for it, I quickly pull the item back. I feel that this is the best of both worlds: a sharing ritual has been initiated and I still retain custody of the item.
At the local park they have a "wading pool". I'm not sure who Wade is, but I am grateful that he looks after the pool. We often go there as it allows me to soak my weary feet after all the emergency slide drills. Recently I have taken up the Art of Surfing (aside: I have a book on the topic coming out in the fall). I simply alight upon a surf board and make "vrrrmmm vrrrmmm" sounds until I'm pulled quickly around the pool.
Towel Off is a favourite activity for The Giants
Giant Assisted Surfing or GAS for short.
I've noticed that The Giants sometimes have difficultly keeping the house as clean as I demand. I suspect that if they just stopped moving things out of my reach they would have more time to clean the house and perhaps write me a sonnet. I've decided to help out some by vacuuming. The handle was clearly made for normal sized people, unlike the boom. It's a little task, but one that I hope will allow The Giants to focus on more important things. Namely me.
It's a never ending job to clean up after Giants
Alas, I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice
My situation has not changed too much in the past months. The Giants continue to slowly shrink and my locomotion continues to improve. I've recruited another ally who I've given the code name "Dolly". She has assisted me in trying to understanding The Giants methods by allowing me to practice "changing" her or placing her in the feeding chair. So far my research has not produced any insights into The Giant's master plan.
I've been drilling in the use of emergency slides. The Giants transport me to different "parks" where I practice various escapes. I don't know what emergency that The Giants are preparing me for, but based on their urgent encouragement at going down a slide, I can only assume that it's imminent.
I have taken up teaching dance. Since The Giants are new to it, I've been using a song The Giants refer to The Blue Danube. I prefer to refer to it as the more formal title of "Na na na na Na. Na na. Na na."
Between my drilling and teaching waltzing, I continue to do research in new technologies. Recently I came across a machine which would make it rain from the ground. I have not yet fully devised the internal workings, but I know that pushing a big red button on a stick activates it. Other than the obvious uses to create a rain powered hover car, I'm at a loss on what else this could be used for in day to day activities.
Alas, it is growing late and I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice
Below is my travel log from when The Giants took me to "Q-Bah" for a week. I originally transcribed my thoughts onto pages torn out of a "sky mall" and placed them into a bottle and cast it into the sea. Travel by bottle is slow, so it is just arriving to the internet now.
Day 1 - Alice takes flight
Today we left the house at the time in the afternoon where I normally lie down to re-energize before again dazzling The Giants with my many talents of speech and action. I was promised that I'd be able to rest my eyes for a quick snooze at the "air port", but when I set my eyes on that building I knew I would not be able to close them. The chairs! Chairs as far as the eye could see. I had to ensure that they were of sufficent quality so I endeavoured to test each one. This proved to be quite the challenge, because I was suffering a bit from a cold that made my nose run - and apparently Giants require you to wipe it on a tissue rather than anything else. Personally I enjoy a good Giant shoulder for a wet nose, but to each their own.
After the "air port" we sat in seats on a plane where I was only permitted to sit with the one of The Giants. I was not allowed to explore and test all the seats for quality. There could have been sub-par seats on that flight and no one would know. With it being so late, feeling under the weather as well as being too warm, I expressed my displeasure to The Giants and all of the other giants on that flight. I felt that they really should know.
The one positive thing about the flight that I enjoyed was the bouncing. Lots of bouncing. The Giants referred to it as "turbulence". When it stopped I would continue to bounce with the hopes of starting it again. After the plane landed we went through security and baggage at the airport. The natives recognized me as a VIP and asked me to the front of each line which was a kindness. After that, on to another transport to take us to the resort.
Day 2 - My growing fan club
It is nice to be in a place where other giants recognize how important I am. Every where we go there is someone in uniform that comes over to greet me and smile and talk to me. I must really talk to my Giants about being this pleasant all the time - including on those occasions at 3 am when I require them. Even the bright pink giants wondering around not in uniforms were quite pleasant and make me feel that I am the most important person here. Which I am.
I try to greet them all in the local dialect, of which I've only been able to master one word:"Hola!". I believe that it roughly translates to "You shall shower me with gifts. Bring all the stuffed animals from 100 km around and pay homage".
Day 3 - Water everywhere
Today The Giants took me to a great, warm, aqua coloured body of water with gentle waves breaking upon powdery white sand. There was energetic music playing softy in the background and a warm breeze lightly tossed my hair. I did not like it.
Later The Giants took me into the water to look for fishies which I greatly enjoyed. I commanded the fishies to perform for me, but alas they did not understand my clear instructions. The Giants and I then retired to the pool area where I showed The Giants the proper way to splash the water.
Me demonstrating the proper water mixing technique to The Food Giant
Day 4 - A chair for every occasion
More of the same today. Took The Giants to the pool where I showed that I can walk on water. Then to the sea to show that I can fly far above The Giants heads. One thing that I did appreciate was that where ever I traveled there was a proper chair waiting for me: a chair by the pool, the sea, a "high chair" for meal times. I particularly enjoyed the area around the pool because it allowed quick access to test the different seating receptacles that I came across. After a long day of entertaining The Giants I put on my fancy clothes and took them out for a nice meal. I would have taken them out dancing as well but I was just worn out.
Walking on water is simple as long as you have the proper hat
It is easier to spot fishies from a high vantage point
The Giants kept on getting lost. I had to show them where everything was.
Day 5 - The wildlife
Do not let the title fool you - the wildlife was around more than just on the fifth day. Each day I felt I would discover a new animal. There were birds overhead singing many different songs. There was occasionally a cat around that despite my calls ignored me - must be an unusual cat to not come when called. There were fishies in the sea and the ponds that I could watch. The Giants even took me to an area where horses would pull open carriages loaded with bright pink giants. Every time they would start to walk The Fuzzy Giant would say "Clippy clop! Clippy clop!". When we arrive back home I must contact his doctor and make an appointment for him.
Proper Deep Pool Swimming Technique (PDPST)
In search of the elusive ankle shark
Not only does it feel good between the toes, it feels great in the mouth
Day 6 - Stairs
Today while I was showing The Giants the proper technique of going up and down stairs to optimize burning calories, a dance troop showed up on stage before me to practice. This was clearly serendipitous for them because it allowed me to observe and critique both their technique in addition to how they were able to convey emotional transcendence. Later we all went out for a nice meal and I exhibited the proper technique for breaking a plate and the end of a Greek meal. I think that The Giants were a bit distraught because we were not in fact at a Greek restaurant.
Instructing The Food Giant on the proper step technique
This was taken right before I flipped The Fuzzy Giant over my head in a Kung Fu move where you only need access to your opponents left thumb. I call it "The Breaking Plate"
Day 7 - The way back home
The last day was a reversal of the first - only I felt much better this time. We spent a lot of time waiting at the airport so I made it my duty to keep all the giants there entertained. I'd go around and allow them to get a hug from Mr. Duckie, or in the cases where I thought that they might have cookies, I'd ask to be picked up. At times I'd also try my comedic routine of "Lie on the Floor and Lick It", but The Fuzzy Giant wasn't happy with my impromptu shows. Great artists are never understood in their time.
The flight home was uneventful - I continued to entertain those around me using the few things that I had at my disposal such as water bottles, crayons for quick portraiture, and my ever helpful assistant Mr. Duckie. Overall it was a good time. I was glad that I was able to grace others with my presence and bring the light of my smile.
Until next time friends, adieu,
Alice
I was told that there were lots of waves on the beach. However I didn't see anyone waving there - only the loud surf.
The natives' writing system consisted of a medium of towels and flowers
I regret to inform you that The Giant training has hit a bit of a snag. The Giants ignore or are too dense to understand my clearest requests for cookies. I even suspect that they are withholding other secret delicious treats, such as the mythical "pie" and "cake". Usually my queries result in The Giants providing peas, green beans or broccoli. These are clearly not delicious treats. I've resolved to do some research on alternative discipline methods because my current technique of soiling myself does not seem as effective anymore.
Even more disturbing is that The Giants are encouraging me to do tricks for food like saying "please" and "thank you". It's humuliating. I usually look whatever Giant is before me right in the eyes and soil myself. If I had a rolled up newspaper to smack them on the nose I would use that, but alas I do not. Not yet.
My efforts on self propulsion continue to improve. The Giants insist that I spend time "out of doors" hindered by "boots" and a "snowsuit" for walking around. I can only imagine that this is a technique like attaching a cinder block to my leg before a swimming lesson. I strive to show The Giants that I can move myself out of doors, but alas I tire quickly and insist that they pick me up and bring me to some birds. Aside: I've made friends with a local bird that seems to be quite high up in the Catholic church - a cardinal - and we discuss things at length.
Walking my Giant in my boots and snowsuit
I call this sculpture The Density of Giants
The Fuzzy Giant insists that I take him on the slides
The Giants also insist on covering my feet with "socks". I think that they are trying to find socks that I cannot remove which is silly as I am clearly a master of my feet. After removing socks I usually present the extracted socks while loudly proclaiming "SOCK!" to all Giants within earshot.
I've been training The Giants to sing on command. I particularly enjoy when The Fuzzy Giant hits the high notes of "the Beach Boys" classic song "Bob from Iran". The Food Giant is confused and keeps on referring to it as "Barbara Ann". Other songs I have been enjoying are ones we learned at "Monkey Rock". This is a weekly meeting in which one of The Giants and I sit in a circle with other normal sized individuals and their Giants. We sing songs and play with musical instruments. In addition to these troops, in daycare there is now another normal sized person. Slowly our ranks are growing. I'm sure with time we will be able to overwhelm The Giants.
The Giants have stopped referring to me as a "baby" and now are referring to me as a "big girl". This is utter nonsense because I have been, and continue to be, exactly One Alice (OA) tall. It's The Giants who are slowly shrinking. I will start to worry if they do not consult a physician soon about their condition.
With some help I've worked through my fear of balls. This was posing a problem because it seemed where ever The Giants took me, there were balls people would roll towards me. Alas in curing this fear, I have developed a fear of parachutes, such as the one they have at Monkey Rock. All the movement, colours, air movement, the people gathered around it chanting some ritualisitic song... it's the stuff of nightmares. Specifically my nightmares.
The Food Giant has been taking me to "swimming lessons" at one of the local pools. This has been a less than pleasant experience because we both find the pool too cool. I express my displeasure by tightly holding onto my Giant around her neck and hoping for the end where we will spend some time in the hot water of the "shower". The wonderful, wonderful shower... But it is true that I have been known to enjoy splashing my hands, kicking my feet and even being dunked under water. However, I must say a few extra degrees added to the water temperature could greatly enhance the experience. The Giants promise me that there are not too many more of these lessons.
Last week, friends of The Giants brought over their new baby for a visit. The Food Giant tells me that I was that small but I find that hard to believe. I am quite comfortable around my Giants, but I don't know how they will react around other normal sized people. So I try to protect the other people by not letting them get too close in case one of my Giants becomes skittish and bites or piddles on the floor. I really don't want to deal with that situation. I believe that my Giants are all up to date on their shots, but I have not gotten around to getting them licensed with the city.
Leaving the house with The Giants can be a big ordeal. It takes so long for them to get ready and inevitably we have to go back in for something. In order to speed up the process I've been taking a bigger part in getting my outside clothes on and off. A lot of the process I can now do with minimal assistance. Why anyone would ever design clothes that require help from a Giant I will never know. The Giants always seem to be amazed that I can identify things like a hat, shirt, socks, pants, etc. I don't understand why there is any wonder in it, they are after all my clothes.
The winter has been long and while it is slowly getting warmer there is still quite a lot of snow out. Because I deserve it, I've ordered The Giants to schedule a get-a-way to somewhere warmer. The destination chosen is Cuba. Apparently there will be more staff to accomodate my every whim. That is important because I have a lot of whims. The resort is supposed to be quite nice, and while I am already bringing my staff (The Giants) I believe that I am also permitted two other guests. For this I've chosen my faithful friends Mr. Duckie and Mr. Bunny (he no longer goes by B-Cubed).
Alas, it is growing late and I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice
The weather continues to be cold but the days appear to be getting longer. One of the benefits of this is that it has allowed me to practice my giantsledding. If it's too dark, The Giants don't like to go out. Using simple commands I've trained them to break into a run and accelerate me down the giantsled training course. Sometimes simple clapping of my hands is enough to encourage them to keep up the pace. I must admit that a few times I've neglected my duties and fallen asleep during a training run, but luckily my Giants are smart enough to be able to find their way home with minimal guidance.
Out for a giantsledding training run.
I regret to inform you that I've allowed a secret to leak to The Giants. They have discovered that I can walk, a skill that I have concealed from them for some time now. I've been trying to keep this hidden from them, but they caught me unawares and now the secret has been exposed. Perhaps it is for the best. Now I can insist on wearing the footwear that best flatters my figure. Ideally it should match my headwear which is usually the latest fashion from Milan.
I find some days quite difficult. The Giants keep on taking my carefully arranged blocks that I use to reenact major conflicts from history and place them into plastic bins. Plastic bins! I mean that's no way to treat the Visigothic heavy cavalry! But I digress. When that happens I give The Giants my "I am not amused" face (see picture below).
How to communicate to a Giant that you are not amused.
However, after much training The Giants have learned this face and will quickly try to repair the situation. When they are successful in doing this I feel obliged to reward them with a smile.
"Good Giants!"
Alas, I most bring this letter to a close.
Until next time,
Alice
