Alice's Travel Blog - Adventures in Q-Bah

My Dearest friends,

Below is my travel log from when The Giants took me to "Q-Bah" for a week. I originally transcribed my thoughts onto pages torn out of a "sky mall" and placed them into a bottle and cast it into the sea. Travel by bottle is slow, so it is just arriving to the internet now.

Day 1 - Alice takes flight

Today we left the house at the time in the afternoon where I normally lie down to re-energize before again dazzling The Giants with my many talents of speech and action. I was promised that I'd be able to rest my eyes for a quick snooze at the "air port", but when I set my eyes on that building I knew I would not be able to close them. The chairs! Chairs as far as the eye could see. I had to ensure that they were of sufficent quality so I endeavoured to test each one. This proved to be quite the challenge, because I was suffering a bit from a cold that made my nose run - and apparently Giants require you to wipe it on a tissue rather than anything else. Personally I enjoy a good Giant shoulder for a wet nose, but to each their own.

After the "air port" we sat in seats on a plane where I was only permitted to sit with the one of The Giants. I was not allowed to explore and test all the seats for quality. There could have been sub-par seats on that flight and no one would know. With it being so late, feeling under the weather as well as being too warm, I expressed my displeasure to The Giants and all of the other giants on that flight. I felt that they really should know.

The one positive thing about the flight that I enjoyed was the bouncing. Lots of bouncing. The Giants referred to it as "turbulence". When it stopped I would continue to bounce with the hopes of starting it again. After the plane landed we went through security and baggage at the airport. The natives recognized me as a VIP and asked me to the front of each line which was a kindness. After that, on to another transport to take us to the resort.

Day 2 - My growing fan club

It is nice to be in a place where other giants recognize how important I am. Every where we go there is someone in uniform that comes over to greet me and smile and talk to me. I must really talk to my Giants about being this pleasant all the time - including on those occasions at 3 am when I require them. Even the bright pink giants wondering around not in uniforms were quite pleasant and make me feel that I am the most important person here. Which I am.

I try to greet them all in the local dialect, of which I've only been able to master one word:"Hola!". I believe that it roughly translates to "You shall shower me with gifts. Bring all the stuffed animals from 100 km around and pay homage".

Day 3 - Water everywhere

Today The Giants took me to a great, warm, aqua coloured body of water with gentle waves breaking upon powdery white sand. There was energetic music playing softy in the background and a warm breeze lightly tossed my hair. I did not like it.

Later The Giants took me into the water to look for fishies which I greatly enjoyed. I commanded the fishies to perform for me, but alas they did not understand my clear instructions. The Giants and I then retired to the pool area where I showed The Giants the proper way to splash the water.

Me demonstrating the proper water mixing technique to The Food Giant

Day 4 - A chair for every occasion

More of the same today. Took The Giants to the pool where I showed that I can walk on water. Then to the sea to show that I can fly far above The Giants heads. One thing that I did appreciate was that where ever I traveled there was a proper chair waiting for me: a chair by the pool, the sea, a "high chair" for meal times. I particularly enjoyed the area around the pool because it allowed quick access to test the different seating receptacles that I came across. After a long day of entertaining The Giants I put on my fancy clothes and took them out for a nice meal. I would have taken them out dancing as well but I was just worn out.

Walking on water is simple as long as you have the proper hat

It is easier to spot fishies from a high vantage point

The Giants kept on getting lost. I had to show them where everything was.

Day 5 - The wildlife

Do not let the title fool you - the wildlife was around more than just on the fifth day. Each day I felt I would discover a new animal. There were birds overhead singing many different songs. There was occasionally a cat around that despite my calls ignored me - must be an unusual cat to not come when called. There were fishies in the sea and the ponds that I could watch. The Giants even took me to an area where horses would pull open carriages loaded with bright pink giants. Every time they would start to walk The Fuzzy Giant would say "Clippy clop! Clippy clop!". When we arrive back home I must contact his doctor and make an appointment for him.

Proper Deep Pool Swimming Technique (PDPST)

In search of the elusive ankle shark

Not only does it feel good between the toes, it feels great in the mouth

Day 6 - Stairs

Today while I was showing The Giants the proper technique of going up and down stairs to optimize burning calories, a dance troop showed up on stage before me to practice. This was clearly serendipitous for them because it allowed me to observe and critique both their technique in addition to how they were able to convey emotional transcendence. Later we all went out for a nice meal and I exhibited the proper technique for breaking a plate and the end of a Greek meal. I think that The Giants were a bit distraught because we were not in fact at a Greek restaurant.

Instructing The Food Giant on the proper step technique

This was taken right before I flipped The Fuzzy Giant over my head in a Kung Fu move where you only need access to your opponents left thumb. I call it "The Breaking Plate"

Day 7 - The way back home

The last day was a reversal of the first - only I felt much better this time. We spent a lot of time waiting at the airport so I made it my duty to keep all the giants there entertained. I'd go around and allow them to get a hug from Mr. Duckie, or in the cases where I thought that they might have cookies, I'd ask to be picked up. At times I'd also try my comedic routine of "Lie on the Floor and Lick It", but The Fuzzy Giant wasn't happy with my impromptu shows. Great artists are never understood in their time.

The flight home was uneventful - I continued to entertain those around me using the few things that I had at my disposal such as water bottles, crayons for quick portraiture, and my ever helpful assistant Mr. Duckie. Overall it was a good time. I was glad that I was able to grace others with my presence and bring the light of my smile.

Until next time friends, adieu,
Alice

I was told that there were lots of waves on the beach. However I didn't see anyone waving there - only the loud surf.

The natives' writing system consisted of a medium of towels and flowers

From the desk of Alice - Day 470 - Bob from Iran

My Dearest friends,

I regret to inform you that The Giant training has hit a bit of a snag. The Giants ignore or are too dense to understand my clearest requests for cookies.  I even suspect that they are withholding other secret delicious treats, such as the mythical "pie" and "cake". Usually my queries result in The Giants providing peas, green beans or broccoli. These are clearly not delicious treats. I've resolved to do some research on alternative discipline methods because my current technique of soiling myself does not seem as effective anymore.

Even more disturbing is that The Giants are encouraging me to do tricks for food like saying "please" and "thank you". It's humuliating. I usually look whatever Giant is before me right in the eyes and soil myself. If I had a rolled up newspaper to smack them on the nose I would use that, but alas I do not. Not yet.

My efforts on self propulsion continue to improve. The Giants insist that I spend time "out of doors" hindered by "boots" and a "snowsuit" for walking around. I can only imagine that this is a technique like attaching a cinder block to my leg before a swimming lesson. I strive to show The Giants that I can move myself out of doors, but alas I tire quickly and insist that they pick me up and bring me to some birds. Aside: I've made friends with a local bird that seems to be quite high up in the Catholic church - a cardinal - and we discuss things at length.

Walking my Giant in my boots and snowsuit

I call this sculpture The Density of Giants

The Fuzzy Giant insists that I take him on the slides

The Giants also insist on covering my feet with "socks". I think that they are trying to find socks that I cannot remove which is silly as I am clearly a master of my feet. After removing socks I usually present the extracted socks while loudly proclaiming "SOCK!" to all Giants within earshot.

I've been training The Giants to sing on command. I particularly enjoy when The Fuzzy Giant hits the high notes of "the Beach Boys" classic song "Bob from Iran". The Food Giant is confused and keeps on referring to it as "Barbara Ann". Other songs I have been enjoying are ones we learned at "Monkey Rock".  This is a weekly meeting in which one of The Giants and I sit in a circle with other normal sized individuals and their Giants.  We sing songs and play with musical instruments. In addition to these troops, in daycare there is now another normal sized person. Slowly our ranks are growing.  I'm sure with time we will be able to overwhelm The Giants.

The Giants have stopped referring to me as a "baby" and now are referring to me as a "big girl". This is utter nonsense because I have been, and continue to be, exactly One Alice (OA) tall. It's The Giants who are slowly shrinking. I will start to worry if they do not consult a physician soon about their condition.

With some help I've worked through my fear of balls. This was posing a problem because it seemed where ever The Giants took me, there were balls people would roll towards me. Alas in curing this fear, I have developed a fear of parachutes, such as the one they have at Monkey Rock. All the movement, colours, air movement, the people gathered around it chanting some ritualisitic song... it's the stuff of nightmares.  Specifically my nightmares.

The Food Giant has been taking me to "swimming lessons" at one of the local pools. This has been a less than pleasant experience because we both find the pool too cool. I express my displeasure by tightly holding onto my Giant around her neck and hoping for the end where we will spend some time in the hot water of the "shower". The wonderful, wonderful shower... But it is true that I have been known to enjoy splashing my hands, kicking my feet and even being dunked under water.  However, I must say a few extra degrees added to the water temperature could greatly enhance the experience.  The Giants promise me that there are not too many more of these lessons.

Last week, friends of The Giants brought over their new baby for a visit. The Food Giant tells me that I was that small but I find that hard to believe. I am quite comfortable around my Giants, but I don't know how they will react around other normal sized people. So I try to protect the other people by not letting them get too close in case one of my Giants becomes skittish and bites or piddles on the floor. I really don't want to deal with that situation. I believe that my Giants are all up to date on their shots, but I have not gotten around to getting them licensed with the city.

Leaving the house with The Giants can be a big ordeal. It takes so long for them to get ready and inevitably we have to go back in for something. In order to speed up the process I've been taking a bigger part in getting my outside clothes on and off. A lot of the process I can now do with minimal assistance. Why anyone would ever design clothes that require help from a Giant I will never know. The Giants always seem to be amazed that I can identify things like a hat, shirt, socks, pants, etc. I don't understand why there is any wonder in it, they are after all my clothes.

The winter has been long and while it is slowly getting warmer there is still quite a lot of snow out. Because I deserve it, I've ordered The Giants to schedule a get-a-way to somewhere warmer. The destination chosen is Cuba.  Apparently there will be more staff to accomodate my every whim. That is important because I have a lot of whims. The resort is supposed to be quite nice, and while I am already bringing my staff (The Giants) I believe that I am also permitted two other guests. For this I've chosen my faithful friends Mr. Duckie and Mr. Bunny (he no longer goes by B-Cubed).

Alas, it is growing late and I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - Day 424 - Steps in the right direction

My Dearest friends,

The weather continues to be cold but the days appear to be getting longer. One of the benefits of this is that it has allowed me to practice my giantsledding. If it's too dark, The Giants don't like to go out. Using simple commands I've trained them to break into a run and accelerate me down the giantsled training course. Sometimes simple clapping of my hands is enough to encourage them to keep up the pace. I must admit that a few times I've neglected my duties and fallen asleep during a training run, but luckily my Giants are smart enough to be able to find their way home with minimal guidance.

Out for a giantsledding training run.

I regret to inform you that I've allowed a secret to leak to The Giants.  They have discovered that I can walk, a skill that I have concealed from them for some time now. I've been trying to keep this hidden from them, but they caught me unawares and now the secret has been exposed. Perhaps it is for the best. Now I can insist on wearing the footwear that best flatters my figure. Ideally it should match my headwear which is usually the latest fashion from Milan.

I find some days quite difficult. The Giants keep on taking my carefully arranged blocks that I use to reenact major conflicts from history and place them into plastic bins. Plastic bins! I mean that's no way to treat the Visigothic heavy cavalry! But I digress. When that happens I give The Giants my "I am not amused" face (see picture below).

How to communicate to a Giant that you are not amused.

However, after much training The Giants have learned this face and will quickly try to repair the situation. When they are successful in doing this I feel obliged to reward them with a smile.

"Good Giants!"

Alas, I most bring this letter to a close.
Until next time,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - Day 402

My Dearest friends,

It is time for another correspondence with the latest developments. Lately when The Giants make me state my name as part of the daily interrogation, I no longer stare at them with sullen eyes. I state my full name. For some reason The Giants hear is as "sah sah", but it is clearly "Alice". This amuses them, which does bring a bit of joy to me as well. I think that I'm suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

As the year draws to a close, The Giants have insisted on bundling me up and taking me around the neighbourhood to see the lights on the houses. I do enjoy this, but my favourite thing is riding around on the Fuzzy Giant's shoulders and drumming on his head. When I grow bored with that, I ride around with The Food Giant. I delight in this because of the fur lined hood she has. It feels tickly on my face.

All of this decoration in the Giant Realm is in preparation for a holiday that The Giants refer to as "Christmas". Apparently I have seen this holiday before but I can't seem to recall it. The Giants have some sort of large conifer which they have enveloped in lights and trinkets.  The sparkling shrub is certainly a wonder to behold, but alas, it is behind bars and out of my reach.

The Christmas celebration was quite enjoyable. There were games of peek-a-boo with Opa, tasty treats and lots of time to play with the pseudo-giants, my "cousins". I also received many gifts. The other giants were far too generous.

Me and the pseudo-giants

Playing peek-a-boo with Opa. FYI: I won.

I am enjoying myself. However, I still plan my escape and test the surroundings constantly. I think that I am quite close at devising the initiation sequence of the "door knob" to open doors. I'm particularly interested in this because behind one of the doors, The Giants have a key component for my weather machine, known as a "door-stop". It's really surprising that they can use advanced technology and not even recognize it.

Another part of my training regime is to disassemble block towers into their base components. I'd enlighten you on the utility of this, but I fear that the information would fall into the wrong hands if our correspondence were to be intercepted. In addition to those tasks, I've been trying to stockpile provisions. I started by hiding foodstuffs in my cheeks, but The Giants soon became wise to that. I then started to hide the food in my hand, lap, nooks of my tray, and even under my pants. Unfortunately, my sleight of hand was noticed by The Fuzzy Giant, and he relieved me of my hard gotten supplies.

My task of becoming fluent in Giantese continues to progress. I may not know the meaning of all words right away, but I start by parroting the sound. After I do learn the meaning, I can command The Giants to my will. Sometimes they do not understand what I've said, so I repeat the word slightly louder and slower in hopes that they will catch on. Alas, it is not always so. 

It pleases the Fuzzy Giant when I call him "Da-da", and the Food Giant seems to appreciate "Ma-ma". I am also learning to say the names of other familiar giants, like Grandpa (Pa-pa) and Opa. I have more work to do on "Grandma" and "Oma", but I do recognize these giants, and look to them when their names are mentioned. Generally these are fruitful efforts, as I seem to receive additional attention and transportation around the home as a result.

The Giants have been taking me out in the "snow". It is quite cool, but I have been enjoying it, if only to learn that it will make a poor choice for a building material for any land vehicle. Just today The Giants placed me in a red and yellow capsule and pulled me through the snow. I'm not sure how long this continued, because I fell asleep almost immediately, and I was not wakened until my removal from the capsule by the giants.

The Food Giant pulling me through "Mer Bleue"

I must sign off now as block towers are not going to disassemble themselves.

Until next time,
Alice

From the Hand of Alice herself

c v fgfv

From the desk of Alice - Day 367

My Dearest Friends,

It has now been over a year since I entered this strange land. Much has happened in that time. Many kilometers have been crossed. Much has been pooped upon.

Taking care of two Giants full time is rewarding, yet exhausting. I was able to enroll The Fuzzy Giant in full time care 5 days a week starting in August and it has been going well. I thought that I'd be okay with The Food Giant the rest of the time, but alas it's been a bit much. I've recently placed her in part time care in order to allow myself some "me time". I'll still be caring for her 2 days a week plus weekends and evenings for both of them. I believe that they are both in good hands - at centers where they have plenty of other giants to play with.

I believe that the world is ending. It's getting so cold that chunks of the sky are flaking off and floating down and collecting on the ground. I think that The Giants were informed of this because now I have an orange space suit that I believe is designed to protect me from the bitter cold. I'm still waiting for my helmet so that I'll be able to venture out into a vacuum. Honestly The Giants can be so disorganized sometimes.

The Giants seem to be far too slow to be able to understand normal language. It's quite disappointing, but I've been forced to learn Giantese. It's a simple language, but I've been able to communicate words like "book", "milk", "duckie", "cheese", "pumpkin", "daddy", "mango", "dirty", "uh-oh", "sock". I especially like saying "boom", and watching The Giants' faces while I drop something on the ground. It's best to say the word ahead of time so they can understand what's going to happen. It makes me laugh so much sometimes I pee my pants.

I've been able to cover quite a bit of ground crawling, but I've decided that I need to working other muscles as part of my daily exercise regime. I regularly stand or do squats in order to build muscle tone in my legs. I feel that this will allow me to move quickly over uneven ground in order to gain some distance from The Giants when we are outside. Then, and only then, will I truly be free.

I was forced to participate in a pagan holiday where The Giants dressed me up as an orange vegetable. I don't know what a "jack oh lantern" is, and I'm not sure that I want to. I'm not exactly sure what the point of the holiday is, but from what I understand the normal sized people are forced to go around collecting edible things from neighbouring giants and bring them home for the own giants to consume.

This past weekend The Giants invited over many other giants that I'm familiar with. They played with me and brought me many gifts. I confess that this was unexpected and I was quite flattered. It was nice seeing all these different giants in one place. I have to admit that after all this time they have become dear to me. At one point they even sang a ritual giant song and sacrificed a cupcake to me in my feeding throne. Apparently they do this every time the planet orbits the local star. I have informed The Giants that next year they need to sacrifice a whole cake to honour me. It's the only sensible thing to do.

The "one" and only,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - Day 324

My Dearest Friends,

The weather grows cold since our last correspondence. The trees have transformed their leaves into bright colours and put them at a more reasonable level for me to play with them. Often the Food Giant takes me outside and "blows bubbles" to amuse herself. I must admit that the bubbles amuse me with their colours and lead me to wonder if I could use it as part of my weather control machine. More on that later.

The Giants continue to thwart my efforts at escape. They have added a Debabyized Zone (DBZ) around the fireplace. The Fuzzy Giant refers to it as the Go-Go Cage. I am not amused. I was hoping to use the chimney as a route of escape since I learned of a fat man that regularly uses it as a means of accessing residences.

The training of The Giants continues to progress. I have taught them rudimentary hand signs for "finished", "milk" and "for the love of diapers give me more meat". Unfortunately simple signs like "obtain 100 m of copper wire for my weather control machine" continue to not be understood. In order to fabricate the parts I need I was forced to take apart my crib's mobile during one of my "naportunities", as The Giants refer to it. Lamentably they discovered my modifications to the mobile and confiscated it before I was able to complete my work.

I have been trying to recruit allies and grow support for my plans. My two trusted lieutenants are Mr. Duckie and Bashful Beige Bunny, or "B Cubed" as he's known on the street. They are quite loyal, but I fear that they have beans for brains. I'll have to keep my master plan to myself in order to guarantee success.

I've gained some tiny ivory knives, or "teeth" as The Giants refer to them. Two center bottom and 2 top incisors, although the incisors seem to have come and gone. I was using the bottom ones to mark the passage of time on my crib rail until the giants added a wrapping to the rail.

Another ability I've gained is a power of the Gods! I can control light itself. One of the drawbacks currently is that one of The Giants has has to hold me close to a electromagnetic radiation enabling lever (The Giants prefer to use the obtuse name of "light switch") to operate it.

Alas, I must say adieu. Until next time,
Yours dearly,
Alice