Recovered Giant Artifact #17

Item: ink on paper
Recovery date: 2014-07-29
Analysis:  Appears to be a modification of Great Big Sea's "River Driver"

"The Stroller Rider"

I was just the age of sixteen hours when I first went for a drive,
After six hours hard labor, at home I did arrive.
I snuggled in my mommy's arms, t'was her caused me to stroll,
Now I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll build a lonesome block castle upon some blankets high,
Where she can sit and view me as I go passing by
Where she can sit and view me as I go rolling on,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

When I am tired and grumpy I sometimes start to weep,
Just wrap me up in a blanket and lay me down to sleep
Just get a little mobile to sing for me alone,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

From the desk of Alice - Rituals and Cleansing

My Dearest friends,

I have been working at becoming more able to blend into The Giant's culture. Part of this has been learning specific phrases in Giantese to recite at the appropriate time. Some examples include "Please", "Thank you" - which I often shorten to the less formal "sanks!", and "Daddy, no teasin!". I am lead to believe that these are universal phrases that I will be able to use anywhere Giants roam.

In order to increase my independence from The Giants I have also been practicing proper washroom technique. This includes toilet setup, disrobing, taking care of my business, cleaning myself, robing, and hand washing. The Giants have been greatly relieved when they overcame their poor communication skills and were finally able to convey that order is important for this process. Taking care of business before disrobing is generally frowned upon.

Part of the responsibilities that I've taken on is training Isaac to be the best assistant he can be to me. This includes being able to function under high levels of audio and visual stimulation. To this end, I've been wearing bright colours, moving quickly while making lots of noise. Since this training technique is too complicated to explain to The Giants, I had to chose my own garments.

Never stand still. Never be quiet.

Another difficult thing about training Giants is that you have to ensure that you've exercised them sufficiently. Fortunately the weather has warmed up which has allowed us to spend more time out of doors. After doing quite of a bit of research, I've determined that a mix of: Giants pushing me in a stroller, Giants carrying me, Giants running after me, and the occasional riding of a Giant to be the best mix of exercise for them.

Always insist to ride a Giant beside expansive fields of flowers

After that, I always try to schedule some downtime for The Giants to rest, relax, and prepare my next meal while also cleaning the house. I insist upon the cleanest surface in order to spread out my toys.

Giants need to be shown the types of gardens I expect around my home

Alas friends, I must end my letter here as I feel nature calling. Until the next time we meet,
Yours always,
Alice

The Chronicle of Isaac - In The Beginning

Greetings!

I have made my journey to this land just as the winter was dealing it's last blow before retreating. Many would say that I have brought the sunshine and warmth that will grow their crops and warm their children. They would be correct, for it is I, Isaac. Some are so dazzled by my vibrant presence that they refer to me as "son".

Behold my dazzling presence

After my long journey, I had a great thirst that I've found difficult to satisfy. They have an amazing drink here called "milk". It's by far the breast drink that I have ever tried. In my every waking moment I desire it. I have to admit that I often drink until I've had my fill, and perhaps a bit more. Even to the point of passing out.

I have been fortunate because The Alice has gone before me and made ready for my arrival. The Giants have begun their training and have been working to keep me amused. The Alice has also captured a fluffy lion as a gift to mark our first meeting. I am unsure when I will be able to ride it, but in the meantime I have been seeking a saddle. Trust me on this, you do not want to ride an unsaddled lion.

Remember friends - always saddle your lion

As most of my time before my arrival was spent in a neutral buoyancy environment, I am still getting used to the gravity. To help me acclimatize to this change, The Giants regularly put me into a high G centrifuge. It is referred to as the "pink princess swing". Despite my occasional protests, I grow bored of the motion and am forced to rest my eyes.

I have taken up the sport of Giant riding. It is a difficult skill to master as it requires a bond between the adept rider and a willing and obedient Giant. Like many sports, there is a required dress code. Below you will see a depiction of me in a hat covered with tiny pink and red flowers. "The Flowers" is a local Giant riding club that only permits the bravest and boldest riders to wear their colours.

Giant Riding: the sport of kings

Farewell until our next meeting!
Isaac

From the desk of Alice - New Arrival

My Dearest friends,

It has been a long cold winter since I last wrote. I debated about writing several times, but I feared that the messenger would get caught in a winter storm as they headed through a mountain pass to deliver my musing. I would not want to put someone's life in danger over my inspiring thoughts. (Aside: the Fuzzy Giant assumes that I have no idea how the internet works. But I know. It involves mountain passes.)

The biggest news lately is that my Ultra has arrived - Code Name Isaac. I have to admit, although I was pleased with his gifts of a new backpack, butterfly rubber boots and stickers, I am a little disappointed that he is not yet up to the tasks that I have assigned him. He has been here several days and as yet has not helped me overthrow The Giants in their tyrannical rule. I say, if the people want to eat cake for dinner, let them eat cake!

My new hippo backpack pleases me

There appears to be a lot of interest in the new arrival. I've been trying to inspect him as often as I can in order to determine the point of interest, but alas I cannot. Apparently he is currently in the ESP stage of his life. I will assume that it will take him another week before he will be capable of pushing me on the swing at Grandpa's Park.

A picture of me doing my best to inspect what The Giants find so interesting

In other news, my Giantese continues to develop, both in vocabulary and concepts. In particular, the Fuzzy Giant seemed quite excited the other day when I mentioned that soon it would be warm enough to get out my little red car with the yellow roof and use it on the driveway. I don't understand what the fuss was about, of course I would winterize my vehicle and want to take it out as soon as the weather was amicable. That car is a classic and I've had it most of my life. Very low km.

An older picture of me out with my ride

One of the benefits of the new arrival is that both Giants have taken time from work in order to serve me better during this trying time. This is still not my customary ratio of 2:1, but alas these are difficult times and we all must make sacrifices.

One of my biggest complaints is that I often catch the new guy sleeping at his post. In order to bring this issue up with HR, I've begun to gather evidence in a dossier. Here is a sample image.

Sleeping on the job

And with that thought, I must bid you adieu as the hour is getting late.
Yours always,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - XY

My Dearest friends,

I write to you today with happy news. The Giants inform me that the new recruit will be a different configuration than myself - a boy. Ultra will have something that, when The Giants described it, sounded like an eleventh finger in an odd place.

Black and white outfits are all the rage this season

The good news about this of course is that I will be able to use all the clothes that are too small for me to outfit Dolly and Mr. Bunny.

Of course I was there to observe the movie making and critique the camera operator. They use way too much goo. However, part way through the project I realized that I have previous commitments that needed to be addressed and had to leave. I mean, Cheerios don't eat themselves.

(Note from The Fuzzy Giant: for the video below you'll need flash)

Alas, I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - A New Recruit

My Dearest friends,

The Giants have informed me that we will be joined by a new recruit. I have assigned the code name of "Ultra" for now until our first meeting.

Clearly Ultra's main tasks will be to support me in my daily activities. I have started to come up with a list of responsibilities for Ultra including bringing me toys to play with, finding tasty food to eat and laying out coordinated outfits for me to wear. I do enjoy looking my best for the adoring public.

Modeling my new shirt.

The text from my shirt

The Giants are unable to provide me an exact arrival date of Ultra. They inform me that I should expect an appearance around March 22nd 2014. I trust that this subordinate will be apt at pulling me in a winter sled.


Alas, I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice

From the desk of Alice - My Great Escape

My Dearest friends,

Since the last time I wrote there are a few changes in this home I share with The Giants. The one that seems to excite them the most is when I sit upon the toilet. Sometimes I do my business directly into the porcelain receptacle, but other times I just insist that The Giants stay with me and read stories. I do enjoy this particular story about a princess and a frog that involves a net, but I digress. I've heard rumors in daycare that some Giants compensate regular sized people with smarties for each toilet use - up to 2 smarties for a movement. Until my Giants get into line with the current local rates, I think that it would be a disservice to them if I used the toilet without proper compensation.

One hobby that I have taken up is the Art of Tower Building, or ATB for short. It helps me relax and model projects and concepts that I have been working on in my spare time. However, I must say that it is quite difficult to model 4 dimensional spaces with nesting blocks, so it is good that I enjoy the challenge.

As part of my exercise regime, I try to get some swing time every day. Grandpa David has brought over a swing set that used to belong to Aunt Valerie. I affectionately refer to it as "Grandpa Park" and I try to spend some time on it every time The Giants take me outside. It is one of many swings that I have incorporated as part of my workout.

Daily exercise can be exhilarating

Recently The Giants converted my "crib" into a "toddler bed". I am not exactly sure of the process of this conversion, but I do believe that The Fuzzy Giant had to make a blood sacrifice and pledge oaths to a deity. When they showed me, I could not help but laugh manically. The Giants provided me a way to get in and out of my own bed. Any. Time. I. Want. The fools!

Alas, I must bid you farewell,
Yours always,
Alice