Recovered Giant Artifact #71 - Reference letter

Item: Typed on formal letterhead
Recovery date: 2018-03-16
Analysis: Reference letter for a request for new begetters

It has recently come to our attention that Alice is seeking a change in parents. In order to aid in the selection process we have offered to compose this letter.

Alice is a bright and imaginative young girl. If you needed a death maze designed she would be a valuable asset. She knows exactly what she wants, even if it doesn’t align with your plans or reality. She would be a good match for a hearing impaired family. The ideal home would be on a tropical island, likely in a skull shaped volcano fortress. She enjoys swimming so no shark or piranha infested waters.

We love her very much, but respect her decision to seek out new parents. We expect great things from her in whatever field she chooses to work in whether it is teaching, medicine, or (most likely) the pursuit of world domination. We know one day when she fires her death / freeze / sunscreen-destroying ray gun at the screaming populace, it will be with love. The love of everyone bending to her will as she rules with an iron fist.

In conclusion we wish Alice all the best as she seeks new parents and we hope that they will be able to love her as much as we do.

Recovered Giant Artifact #54 - I Dreamed a Dream

Item: ink on coffee and tear stained paper
Recovery date: 2015-05-30
Analysis:  Appears to be a modification of "I Dreamed a Dream" is a song from Les Misérables.

There was a time when kids slept long
When their voices were soft
And their words babbling
There was a time when love was quiet
And the world was a song
And the song was Raffi
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in sleep gone by
When hope was high
And sleep worth having
I dreamed that love would never cry
I dreamed that kids would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no snuggles to be paid
No song unsung, no hot beverages untasted

But the children come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your sleep apart
As they turn your dream to awake

He slept a year by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took his childhood with me for a ride
But he wasn't gone when morning came

And still I dream he'll sleep without me
That we will sleep the nights in our rooms
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my sleep would be
So different from this fog I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now cries have killed the dream I was dreaming

Recovered Giant Artifact #47

Item: ink on paper
Recovery date: 2014-12-12
Analysis:  Appears to be a modification of "Home for a Rest" is a song by Spirit of the West.

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month, I haven't slept since I left
These so-called vacations will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the kids I need home for a rest

We arrived in November and SanFran was cold
We stayed on the paths along sea side roads
We never saw nothin' but sea gulls and dogs
Kept a shine on the stroller with the palms of our gloves

[chorus]

Adventure bound the car journeyed east
On the twisty roads we lurched back and forth
Past old giant sequoias through Yosemite's green hills
We were flung into panic as the kid gagged and reeled

[chorus]

By the light of the moon, she'd drift off to sleep
A rare old moment, so seductive and sweet
She'd tease us with sleep, as we walked through the town
Then we'd walk on home and then she'd make lots of sounds

[chorus]

The boy's bladder is empty, his diaper is damp I assume
The milk he drank now sprays across the room
I'm knackered again, come on sleep take me soon
But he lifts up his head every hour before noon
You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best

I've been gone for a month, I haven't slept since I left
These so-called vacations will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the kids I need home for a rest
Take me home

Recovered Giant Artifact #23

Item: ink on paper
Recovery date: 2014-11-02
Analysis:  Appears to be a modification of "A Whole New World" from Aladdin.

"A Whole New Day"

Alice: I can show you the world
Dark, quiet, sleepy
Tell me, daddy, now when did
You last let your alarm decide?

Alice: I can open your eyes

Take you activity by activity
Over, sideways and under
On a magic spaceship ride

Alice: A whole new day
A new fantastic point of view
Just me to tell you no and where to go
Or say it's mornin' time

Daddy: A whole new day
A pre-dawn place I never knew
But when I'm awake here, it's perfectly dark
Now I'm in a whole new day with you

Alice: (Now I'm in a whole new day with you)
Daddy: Unbelievable hour
Indescribable feelings
Shuffling, stumbling, grumbling
Through an endless toy-strewn floor

Daddy: A whole new day
Alice: (Don't you dare close your eyes)
Daddy: A hundred thousand sleeps to do
Alice: (Open your eyes, it gets better)

Daddy: I'm feel like the undead
I want my bed
I want to go back
To where I used to be

Alice: A whole new day
Daddy: Every dawn a surprise

Alice: With new hours to pursue

Daddy: Every moment it gets brighter
Both: I'll chase you anywhere
There's no time to spare
Let me share this whole new day with you

Alice: A whole new day
Daddy: A whole new day
Alice: That's where we'll be
Daddy: I need cof-feee!
Alice: A thrilling place
Daddy: It's dark like space
Both: For you and me

Recovered Giant Artifact #17

Item: ink on paper
Recovery date: 2014-07-29
Analysis:  Appears to be a modification of Great Big Sea's "River Driver"

"The Stroller Rider"

I was just the age of sixteen hours when I first went for a drive,
After six hours hard labor, at home I did arrive.
I snuggled in my mommy's arms, t'was her caused me to stroll,
Now I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll build a lonesome block castle upon some blankets high,
Where she can sit and view me as I go passing by
Where she can sit and view me as I go rolling on,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

When I am tired and grumpy I sometimes start to weep,
Just wrap me up in a blanket and lay me down to sleep
Just get a little mobile to sing for me alone,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Ride swings whenever I'm ready, go sliding by and by,
And if the splash pad don't drown me, it's home I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.
For I'm a stroller rider and I'm far away from home.